Some days you wake up and know that things will never be the same. They're important days when important things happen. Some times we plan for these days and know about them weeks ahead of time; other times something happens that we couldn't have foreseen. But most of the time, the day goes by and "nothing" happens. I never used to think about these "nothing" days, but when you're faced with the possibility that the next seven days may be the last of your very long life...you start to think about these "nothing" days in a whole new light. You start to see a whole lot of things that you've never noticed before, things that you would have just ignored or let go before. And all those things that seemed so very important...aren't. I realize, looking back, I haven't had a terribly exciting life. You could say it was filled with these "nothing" days. I didn't travel abroad and fill my life with memories of exotic locations and new faces. I didn't spend it deliberately trying to make other people happy by being nice to everyone. There's quite a few people I made miserable in the past deliberately. Most of them demon hunters, but they were people, too. I didn't spend my life acquiring arcane knowledge about the occult. I don't think I've even been in a library in...I don't think I've ever been in a library. So what exactly would I be remembered for? And why is it suddenly bothering me so much? ~ ~ ~ Dark Star: 25 Irrelevant Ramblings Transcribed by: Chandra "Lady Chaos" Rooney [sophiaroth@hotmail.com] Started by: me Hosted by: Improfanfic.com Note: There is a bad word in this part...see if you can find it. ~ ~ ~ "I'll tell you something, I am a demon...some say my biggest weakness" -- "Temptation Waits", Garbage ~ ~ ~ Some times I wonder what the others would think if they knew I kept a journal. I often wonder if they already know that I do. People say your family doesn't judge you...but those people have obviously never been a member of the Hoshi family...if we can even be called a family. Usually people don't purposely ensure that a different man fathers each of their children. It certainly doesn't seem normal to me. Some times I wonder about our mother. I know it's disrespectful for a child to question their parent...but when a mother is as...childish as ours is... It's hard to be respectful some times. Especially to someone who I know is deliberately manipulating me. I wish I could be brave like Kurayamino. He never put up with any of Mother's games and secrets. I think she harbours a dislike for him because of it. Well...on top of the other reasons that dislikes her twin sons. I won't ever forget the first time that I met Mother. I've written about it before, detailed here the look of disapproval she had on her face, and the contempt in her tone. I don't think wrote what she said. I couldn't... because it still hurts me now. She'd already met Kurayamino by the time she decided to come and find me. I assume he told her where I was, or maybe she already knew and it just only suited her purposes to make herself known at that time. I don't know why...she didn't bother to tell me that. No, she had better things to say to me. Things like: Hmm... so you're the other identical mistake. Things like: Well, I suppose if you haven't taken after your father by now, you might be a Star. Things like: You'll do till I can get the two born who will replace you and your brother. Things like: Look at you, how you're moping and mourning after some pathetic guardian sprite. You're so bloody human that way...just like your father. Things like: He could have bothered to at least give you some of his useful traits, not that he had very many. Kurayamino told me he met someone who knew our father once. He said it was a few years ago, in Los Angeles. He said that this fellow he met told him that Mother and our Father didn't part ways on good terms. I suppose Mother is still bitter about it, but...it's not enough for me. I will never be as close to her as Hitomi or Junta...or even Atsuri because she won't give me the chance. I strayed off track...but that's all right, isn't it? I mean we don't have to always be focused in our private thoughts, do we? She inspected me the first time she approached me. She still inspects me. I know what she's looking for...I know what she pictures when she stares at Kurayamino with that look she saves just for us. It's the special attention we get. I know the look on her face because I spent a large portion of my life wearing it. It's a look of pain...of wanting to have back something you can't. I think she sees our father when she looks at us, which is strange because she's said we don't look like him. Some times I justify her look by telling myself that she lashes out because she can't express the pain she feels. Our mother isn't human...she doesn't have the humanity that we have. She can't sit down and just...brood or mope because she thinks she's above those emotions. I think she really loved him...our father, I mean. I would like to believe that she really loved him and still does...that if she could find him and talk to him it would all be all right. I think every child just wants to believe that. None of the others know that I wasn't always "Dark Star". I didn't have a name beyond Zellar for a long time. I am Dark Star because she refuses to allow Kurayamino or myself to call ourselves "Black Star". Maybe she'll give the name to Nesuni. She likes Nesuni. She wouldn't let us call ourselves "Black Star" because she said we were just standing in until real Stars could be born. So we couldn't have her title, but she said it was up to us to come up with something acceptable. She often treats Kurayamino and I like we are the same person, as if there isn't any distinction between us. Some times I wonder if she's right. Anyway I came up with "Dark Star". It was for our father. Mother doesn't know that, but Kurayamino and I both started calling ourselves "Dark Star" after she first made contact with us. Kurayamino did it to spite her I think... I did it to honour someone that I have never met...but I hope that one day I might. Of course Shadow Star wasn't something that she would ever allow, so the next closest thing that she approved of was Dark Star. She thinks I took the title from the name my adoptive family had. She thinks Kurayamino is just uncreative when it comes to names and copied me. Of course, my twin isn't Dark Star...or really a Star anymore. I wonder if Mother knows that he's still alive. I wonder if she's happy that she's replacing one of us with Nesuni. I wonder if Nesuni uses the Hoshi family name. I never took the Hoshi name. I don't have plans to take it anytime in the future. It is a trivial gesture...small and something that no one in the family even pays attention to. But it is a message to her all the same. I want her to know that I will never accept her until she will accepts us. I don't hate my mother. I honestly wish we could be closer. Like she is with Hitomi. Speaking of Hitomi... I wonder if she honestly believes that Mother is the leader of the Stars. I don't believe it. I know it's not true. The Queen of Heaven leads the Stars...but until she makes herself know... I suppose we'll have Mother as the leader until then. We've only got seven days, Tenkou; we could sure use you. I felt the doubt and anger flare in Kurayamino when Hitomi said that Mother was the leader. He clearly doesn't believe it either, but he didn't say anything. How could he? It's no longer his place to dispute things concerning the Stars... I don't think it's never been his place, or mine for that matter. Mother has said it on the rare times she bothered to pay me a visit. "You don't belong," she's said. "You have pieces of two different destinies mixed up in you. You don't belong to the Stars' world...and you don't belong to your father's world, either." --- "Zellar?" Kurayamino asked, stepping into the room. "What are you doing?" The pen slipped from his brother's hand as he slammed a book shut and stuffed it into a drawer. "Uh...nothing..." "Looks like you were writing something," Kurayamino replied, leaning against the doorframe. "So, what is it?" "What is what?" "What's on your mind?" Zellar gave him a blank look, and Kurayamino rolled his eyes. "Come on, Zellar, I could read your thoughts if I wanted, but it's just more polite to ask you like anyone else would." "What makes you think there's something on my mind?" "Because you only ever write things down when something's bothering you and you don't want to risk the confrontation it'll create to say stuff out loud," his brother replied. "So...is it...about the blanket thing?" "It's nothing you've done," Zellar replied. "Is it..." Kurayamino chewed on his lip. "Is it about Mom being the leader of the Stars?" Zellar didn't reply. Kurayamino walked into the room and flopped down onto the bed. "I had the strangest dream last night..." "I'd really just like to be alone right now," Zellar said tensely. "Uh uh. That's not how you get rid of me, brother," he told. "Besides I'm not leaving you like this. You can't spend the next seven days moping around; I *won't* let you." Zellar sighed. "Fine, yes it's what Hitomi said...it just stirred up a few bad memories, that's all." Kurayamino nodded. "Uh huh, I thought as much." He sat up. "Well, to be honest, I didn't come here to be a pain the ass little brother." "You're only younger by a few minutes." Kurayamino gave his brother a look. "...Just forget it. I didn't come here to fight with you; I came to tell you something." "I'm listening, go ahead," Zellar replied, bending down to pick up the fallen pen. "Whatever happens in this battle thing...I'm not going to fight you," Kurayamino said, seriously. "I've been giving it a lot of thought, and you're my brother, Zellar...and if this stupid battle thing is going to pit us against each other, then it's not worth being a part of it. I...guess the others probably feel differently, but I had hoped that maybe you'd understand how I felt. After all, it wouldn't be the first time we had to stand alone." Zellar stopped, and looked at his brother. "Kurayamino...this is a really serious battle. We can't just go making decisions like that. It effects-" "Hey, I know what you're going to say," Kurayamino cut him off. "You're gonna tell me that it effect the whole world and that if we don't fight bad things will happen. You know what I think? I think that's a buncha bullshit. No one knows what'll happen if we just say 'hey, there's no point to this, let's not bother'. I think it's worth a try. Less people die...I mean, I don't know the guys from the other pentagrams personally...but who are we to say that they have any less right to exist?" Zellar blinked, and then nodded. "You're right. But...I never thought I'd hear you say something like that, Kurayamino. You've really grown up in these past few weeks." His brother grinned. "It's been a hell of a past couple days for me, Zellar. Everyone should die at least once; it's a real learning experience." "That's a rather morbid thing to say." "I was sharing my misery, Zellar, I figured we could mope together if you're not going to be happy." "Now I know you're joking." "Maybe." "How's Firu?" "Better...at least he's convinced that we won't let Nesuni make him into a coat," Kurayamino replied. "He's downstairs reminiscing with Tenkou. Well, it's more of a one-sided reminiscing, she's more listening than contributing." "She's not freaking out about the Queen of Heaven thing?" Zellar asked, leaning against the desk. " 'Freaking out about the Queen of Heaven thing'?" Kurayamino echoed, snickering. "Zellar, you've been taking notes about how to sound as old as you look, haven't you?" He shook his head, and then looked at the floor for a moment. "You know, Zellar, about what I said before...I meant it. If you ever feel like you're not welcome here with Mom, or if something happens...I just want you to know that I'd welcome you in a heartbeat." "Is the point of the pentagram of Change to steal members from other groups?" Zellar asked. Kurayamino flinched. "I'm not trying to steal anyone." He looked up, no trace of anything but severity in his expression. "I'm just telling you that my offer stands, Zellar. I meant it when I said I wouldn't fight against you, but I'd gladly fight with you." He smiled a little. "I could use my more responsible half's help." "I think you mean 'better'," Zellar replied, matching the smile. "It's a tempting offer, Kurayamino. I'll keep it in mind, but that's all I can promise right now. It's one thing to say I won't fight...it's another to just leave the Stars." "Mom came back," Kurayamino said softly, "and told me to get out." Zellar blinked. So that was what this little visit had stemmed from. "She kicked you out?" "Not in so many words, but her meaning was clear," Kurayamino shrugged. "She basically said this was the base of operations for the Stars, and I wasn't a Star anymore. Then she shook her head a little and muttered something about how this irresponsibility and total lack of concern for age-old traditions must come from Dad's side. So, I'm just going to get my stuff...and find another place to crash. Any suggestions?" Zellar frowned. "Stop back when you're ready to go, I'll see if I can't think of something." Kurayamino got up and nodded. "I'll see you in a few minutes." Zellar nodded, and then sat back down at the desk, opening the drawer and pulling out the journal. --- What Kurayamino has offered me is tempting, especially in light of these new circumstances. He probably took Mother's words to be harsher than she meant them to be, but maybe he didn't. Kurayamino doesn't lie about this sort of thing. But to just walk away from everyone and join his side in this battle isn't something that I can consider lightly. It would be an act of mutiny against Mother... but also against the rest of our family. Despite our differences, I love my family, and leaving them would be extremely hard. I think I'm beginning to see what Kurayamino is reaching out to those he trusts...he must be so lonely. It's one thing to leave in ignorance of your family...it's another thing to be exiled from them. But...if it comes down to it, Mother or my twin, I would chose Kurayamino in the same heartbeat he'd chose me. In the end, it's where my loyalties lie. I'm not saying that I'll walk out the door with him today and not return... I need a few days to give that sort of life-altering decision the thought it warrants. There was a time I would have given anything to be just Zellar...to have Dark Star erased from my life. Now, I've grown accustom to the position; it's become a comfortable way of life. Maybe that's what has been bothering me. Perhaps...I don't want to just be "comfortable" anymore. If I was to cease being a Star... If I wasn't Dark Star... then who would I be? The more important question may be...am I ready to find out? My Mother or my twin? The past or the future? Dark Star...or something else? --- Zellar looked down at the words he had written. He knew the choice he wanted to make...but he didn't know if he was ready for the change that it would call for. "Zellar?" Kurayamino asked from the door. A bag was slung over his shoulder, presumably the same one he'd come to town with. "Are you coming?" It had taken him a lifetime to come to terms with being Dark Star, but seven days was an lifetime if one treated it the right way. He shut the journal and turned back to his brother. "Can you give me a few minutes to get my things?" he asked. Kurayamino looked shocked. "Zellar...I didn't mean...I mean, I *did* mean, but-" "I'm not saying that I'll leave," Zellar replied, holding up his hand. [But I'm willing to give it a try, all right? As far as anyone else is concerned...things haven't changed. Let's not burn bridges we might need to come back across.] "Zellar..." Kurayamino trailed off. "All right, I understand. I can't expect you to throw your life away." [Arigatou gozaimasu.] He added silently. [This means... a lot to me. But...what changed your mind?] Zellar nodded, putting a few things in a bag and zipping it shut. He grabbed the journal from the desk. [I'm having a bit of a personal crisis right now, Kurayamino, I think I've been having it ever since we reseparated. Maybe this isn't the way to deal with it...but nothing else is working.] Kurayamino stepped out into the hall, walking softly past Atsuri's door. Zellar followed. [Well, you know what they say...if you're not happy with your life, you should do something to change it so that you are.] [What are we going to say to everyone downstairs?] Zellar asked. [We'll think of something,] Kurayamino replied. [But whatever happens... we're in this together from now on.] [Together.] Zellar repeated. [Just like old times.] Kurayamino grinned. [Nope, it's gonna be better.] ~ ~ ~ Un turned in her ethereal space, and smiled at her guest. "Have you put your mind at ease?" The man nodded. "Yes, thank you, Un-sama." He stood and bowed formally. "My gratitude for all the care and attention you've given my sons in my forced absence." She smiled and returned the bow. "It was my pleasure, Gabriel." She looked back at the two boys. "I won't lie to you, the path they've chosen is not an easy one." He nodded. "Free will is never an easy burden, but I know now they'll be fine." She turned back. "How so?" "Together they're stronger than they could ever be apart," he replied. "Which reminds me...I ought to pay my own brother a visit." "Send my greetings," Un replied. "Sayonara." "Sayonara." He vanished. "Heavens, heavens," Un murmured. "I do wonder how Kuroi would react if she only knew..." ~ ~ ~ Author's Turn to Ramble: Okay, it's another part that deals with only two characters. What's your point? Weren't you happy with Evans's massive character development in the last part? Just be happy you got a part at all! ^_~ Thanks to Katy for prereading. Notes about the story: ~Un is not Kumi and Zellar's relation in any way. Because it would really screw up a relationship between Kumi and Tenkou if she was. Maybe. ~Yeah, I know who their Dad COULD be...but that doesn't mean it has to be that person. I'd rather we didn't toss the irrelevant plot thread any further into the cannon fodder, though. (No, it's not Gabriel from Final Fantasy: Fated.) ~Zellar has not *officially* left the Stars. He's having a trial run at being a member of the pentagram of Change...he COULD switch back. I'd rather he didn't... but that's just my personal feelings. ~Sappy Holiday specials make me ill...gimme some angst! Angst! ~The Buffy the Vampire Slayer Album is cool. ~My boyfriend made me an Inuyasha plushie for Christmas. (Thanks, Chris!) Happy Solstice, Merry Christmas, and best wishes for 2000, Lady Chaos "It's been a hell of a past couple days for me, Zellar. Everyone should die at least once; it's a real learning experience." Dec 21st, 1999